Los Labios

Burial at Sea

2006-08-12T03:32:00.000-07:00

I wish to make known my final wishes in the event of my untimely demise. Obviously, I want to be buried at sea. More specifically, I want my body to be taken to a pretty beach. One with lots of small children playing in the water (in a pinch, side with busy with children over pretty). Then I want my corpse chopped into little pieces and used to chum the water.

rum smuggling

2006-07-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

Flaunting national import laws, I smuggled twice the legal volume of liquor into Sweden last week. Now I'm scoffing at the powerlessness of local customs officers with glass after glass of untaxed Captain Morgan's spiced rum.

2006-04-14T14:32:00.000-07:00

and this is how I roll.

2006-03-28T17:35:00.000-08:00

That's how I roll.

2006-03-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

I don't know. Some of these skaters look pretty tough.

>sigh<

If only we had human sized blenders. We could make russian daquiris.

Gang Olympics

2006-02-22T22:51:00.000-08:00

I propose that every member of Los Labios see to it that he or she qualifies for the Winter Olympics in 2010, for the sole purpose of beating up the ice dancers. And then we can steal their skates and stab hockey players.

2006-02-16T18:07:00.000-08:00

Uh, I think that I'm going to have to take offense at that, 'way too cool to be living with my parents' bit, latin boy.

Consider one well-cared-for-by-mommy hand ungloved, and ready to challenge.

Bad Boy 4 Life

2005-12-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

Tonight I was playing cards with my parents and sister (just visiting; I'm way too cool to still be living with them) when my old man started bitching about how much he hates tattoos. I replied that that's just too bad for him, as he can't join my gang without one. He said he didn't care, so I warned him that he's either with us or against us. When it became apparent that he was only feigning trepidation, I punched him in the leg and gave him a charley horse and ran away yelling, "That's how we roll!"

2005-12-14T02:24:00.000-08:00

I just had to report that I broke some form of public nature preservation law when I cut down my christmas tree yesterday in a small patch of trees next to my parents' house.
Quick in and out of the brushes to escape being spotted by any of the neoliberal new money housewives that are on patrol through the area. They would have unleashed their hounds on me...

Jenny Roger / Soon to be seen pillaging in the desert of the american west coast!

stealing from the royalty

2005-12-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

Hello dear anglosaxan pirate friends!

My old heritage of pillage and bloodshed, running through my veins since the days of my glorious viking ancestors, was yet again awakened this weekend.
As my mother was being disgracefully robbed by a woman in the royal garden (bying flowers at ridiculous prices) I found an opportunity to avenge without delay.
Royal, of course, there were loads of shiny and glittering things on display and in a safe instant I pocketed several crystals from a tray... Har, har, har...

I never liked these christian so called royalties. Pampered in nurseries, libraries, haut couteries and wigeries. Monarchy - bah! There is no blood pride in the christian kings, those pansies. Back in the viking days you had to prove worthy of power, not just be born to the right mother. Whom of the christian royal line would survive the hard life on the wild seas and dangerous berserkagang? Bah, damn frogs they are. Christian bloody wimps.

But this weekend I could reclaim some treasure. In an ironic pillage - a thousand years too late - i could steal some finely crafted glass. Now I can start building a chrystal chandelier of my own...

Hail Oden and Thor!

2005-10-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

When the insurance appraiser came to assess damage to my car, he politely asked me to remove anything from the dash/winshield area before he took his photos. I unhooked my purple bag of feathers, rainbow hearts, and pom-poms from the rearview; and carefully left my skull-and-bones air freshener to grace my file. Now they will know who they are dealing with.

P.S. Maybe if we had had gang stickers for our cars a couple nights ago, that guy wouldn't have broken my rear passenger window with a brick and taken my blanky and laundry soap.

2005-10-03T22:13:00.000-07:00

wow that last one's title came out a bit aggressive. it was on auto settings.

yeah. what're you gonna do about it?

I am NOT ignoring the blog

2005-10-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

Ol' Boot Joe and Bolo Dan
Henchin' the indigo Carra-Beeyan.
Dan counted fish while Joe hawked for land
Broadships a Hellship for a Tar Tallyman.
One eve in the foc'sle they hatched a fraught plan
Shinin their pistol like they's the cream boss iceman.
Dan tripped the john lock, lead hit the steel fan,
And shit down some sparks gone and lit the fry pan.
That good seasoned greasefire spit cross the gascan...
Hutch down the shutters, Boys, here comes the Sandman.

2005-09-16T06:14:00.000-07:00

Ahoi mateys!

Jennyroger is back on the blogg after in involountary exile brought upon myself under the influnce of som fine cuban rum... (I had accidentally created a two logins so I couldn't get on the blog... but I've been reading your stuff.) Fortunatly the almighty gang leader saved me from drifting homelessly on the salty electronic sea on a barrel of salty fish trying to row with my pegleg...
My latest illegal activities (extept for being outlawishly stupid with logins) is keeping a second pair of climbing shoes that were mistakenly delivered to me. Har har har. Best is that I won the first pair of shoes, so that's two for the price of none...
Climbing shoe compianies (like the spanish sea traders) have far too much money for their own good...

Jennyroger bids thee fare well

Captain Kidd vs. Dan Brown

2005-09-11T17:49:00.000-07:00

So there's this girl who works at the coffee shop where I read most mornings. We'll call her "Nicole." Because that's her real name. Anyway, a few days ago, she noticed that I was reading The Pirate Hunter, a fine biography of Captain William Kidd (d. 1701). I graciously offered to pass it on to her once I had finished it. A few minutes ago, I made ready to hand over the book as Nicole was pouring my cup of coffee. Nicole excitedly said she was looking forward to reading it, just as soon as she's done working her way through The DaVinci Code. Forthwith, I took back the book and proclaimed that this particular piratical volume was "off limits to members of the Dan Brown Book Club." Snobby? Perhaps, but pirates and gang members and members of pirate gangs need not accommodate the literary shortcomings of anyone. Perhaps I'll offer her the book on the condition that she first gets a skull n bones tattoo and joins the gang. And renounces Dan Brown forever.

2005-08-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am, as I write, in flaunting violation of international copyright law (pirating CDs). And no one can touch me for it.

2005-06-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

I believe my statement was quite clear in its assertion that Eurohip is not piratical. Nice rant, though. Maybe next time you can direct it at the Illinois Transit Authority or something.

2005-06-19T21:13:00.000-07:00

did i detect a fashion challenge? EUROHIP is more pirate-y than blue collar?? them's big words, and you're asking to throw down against a heavyweight. Thar's mutiny afoot cap'n. damn it's hard to type with fake nails.
Are you suggesting that a Cape Ann longliner, with his greasy hat, old sweatshirt with the sleeves ripped off that reads 'Fish'n'Yolks- Barb's Breakfast Barn', and rubber waders studded with REAL barnacles- should be watching his back against some foppy tribe of international metrosexuals? No offense my Swedish brethren- the metrosexual and eurotrash are ubiquitous o'er all the seven seas. The only context in which this would, ahem, hold water, is if we were talking about different kinds of pirates.
To my mind there are really only two pirate species. The Pirates of Penzance pirates: orlando bloom in black leather whistling 'I'm a genie in a bottle, Baby' crossed with the soulful kevin costner in 'Prince of Thieves'; and the ones who were breastfed cod brine, whose first tricycles were whittled from casks of rum, and who always leave the ship when it starts smoking.
What kind of gang are we??? We are the gang that eats a little costner for breakfast with our fish yolks! We are the gang that shaves with busted tin cans! We hustle Craps, break the bottles on the bar, and leave a broiling black wake of shredded metro behind our worthy vessels. No prancing fairy with a headful of Sumotech is going to have our backs when the shit goes bananas!
It is clear to me what class of brigands follow our flag. And our Fashion is our symbolism, a common code, and representative of our rejection of the status quo. I see the Gloucesterman as a compatriot and fashion Equal, heroic in their flippant style-slashing in anhistoric samples of mainstream cotton, a source of authentic originality, and perhaps someone with whom to share the secret gang hand signal. Their clothes, like ours, have a story to tell, and as the woman said, "Vogue".

2005-06-14T00:38:00.000-07:00

Do you think I'm the only O.G. who is also a member of Mensa?

2005-06-10T01:02:00.000-07:00

Ruminations on 'blue collar = piratical' thesis:

1) My brother and I were driving from Memphis to Cleveland (I still don't have a license) and we bought matching redneck shirts at a truckstop in Dickson, Tennessee. Mine is yellow and his is blue. They both say 'Tennessee' and prominently feature three deer. We walked into a Popeye's Fried Chicken north of Cincinnati, Ohio dressed as white trash twins. The woman (not so well bred) behind the counter looked at us and said, "You boy's aren't from around here, are you?" My brother threw on a southern accent and said we were from the Volunteer State (so dubbed in tribute to the large number of volunteers from Tennessee who fought in the War of 1812 and the Mexican War, in case the reference is lost on Team Sweden. Damn I wish Blogger featured footnotes. Maybe I should stab somebody.). I was then inclined to volunteer to shiv the chicken lady in the McRibs and abscond with the cash register, but refrained. Regrettable.

2) There is no dearth of Swedes -- particularly in Stockholm, I'm told -- who rock mullets and trucker hats. This blue collar move seems less piratical than Eurohip, in that 'Is this really fashionable?' kind of way.

2005-06-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Jesse is my favorite pirate. Even though he is sweet looking and vegan.

I've decided that our gang ship should be my room. Since nothing is level, the effect is similar to being holed up in the foc'sle, rolling around on dangerous seas. Waiting for the days ration of moldy hard tack. But better, because we have cheez doodles and cell phones, and all my fun picture books.

can my farmer's tan be my act of piracy for today? I think you could make an argument that anything blue collar is also piratesque.

2005-05-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I drove practically clear accross the Eastern United States... without a driver's licence! I was speeding too, just to add some additional excitement to my iconoclastic journey. I'm looking forward to the day when I can take licenseless roadtrips in my gang cardigan on a Vespa. Maybe we can all ride as a posse sometime. With engraved chrome 9mm sidearms.

2005-05-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

I wish I could be a real pirate instead of a wussy painter. Due to my helplessness in the face of the Oakland Public Library system's fucked-up internet services I can't write anything entertaining because they are on dial-up and I don't have time. If I was a real pirate I would go slice up the librarians, take their car keys and find their house where they are surely harboring a comfy DSL setup. Then I could go back for the bodies and make an autobiographical painting in their blood on the restroom's questionable off-white tiles, scan in a picture on their abandoned office equipment, and send it to the blog. which I am highly loyal to. I just don't have time for bloodshed today.

Death to pathetic land trash!
-The Dagger

2005-05-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe you could start siphoning dough from Sweden's world renowned social services. I hear there's a good Swedish rap song or two on how to do it.

warmup

2005-05-18T04:19:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I celebrated my return home to Sweden by breaking a number of traffic laws, including running at least 2 red lights.
Today I proceeded with stalking the surroundings of the place I'm gonna move to next month. The present occupant had ugly trousers hanging from the balcony, but I could not steal them as they were too high up.

2005-05-16T14:21:00.000-07:00

Gang logs are hard work. Maybe I should give up.

2005-05-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Los Labios! To celebrate the launching of our gang log, I went out and did a crime when I woke up today. Without asking permission, I pulled my little sister's car and took it on a joyride around the suburbs of Cleveland. I gave it back around lunch time, but I think my sister was totally sweatin' it. --Jesse